Almost Supermodels

Shalom Harlow

2006-11-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

Someone called me and asked me if I wanted to see a runway fashion show. I said " no thanks, I am not looking to buy or sell cocaine today. " So I stayed home and tried to figure out who Canada's most overrated fashion model is. I've decided it's Shalom Harlow, pictured with the frizzy hair here. She was discovered at a Cure concert. How lame is that? She looks ridiculous in all of her photos and this one is the most pretentious piece of bilge I've ever seen. It almost makes me want to crumple up my Kiss Me I'm Canadian T-shirt.

Canine lingerie modeling - dogs in panties - a new trend

2006-11-16T20:06:00.000-08:00

The ad on the left shows that some people don't believe that real dogs can also be models. I find it extremely disappointing that some would have such a terrible prejudice. Who on earth would buy dog clothing modeled on stuffed animals? The dog on the right proves that canines can model just as well as humans, including some pretty hot lingerie.

The world's scariest models

2006-11-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

The world is truly a magnificent place considering that people who might not seem... um.. normal.. or ... uh... attractive ... or ... identifiably male or female can make a buck in modeling, or whatever...that line between modeling and other stuff can sometmes be so-oo-o blurry! So, here are a few of them that might initially seem a little unusual but with time, well they still seem pretty unusual. But they try, at least some do, click the link above and you might also see a couple that, on the wrong night when you mix your vodka and rum, might lead to a few unanticipated seductive stirrings that you'll later deny having felt, a good thing that you did - take those secrets to your grave!

How Miss Exotika turned out

2006-11-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

I hyped the Miss Exotika contest here recently and have a complete report at Coolopolis, the winner was the Lebanese Jihanne Chiccru,(left) Keisha Aristide came in second (above left) and Josiane Desy (above) was third from what I recollect. The top two won largely on the strength of their solo dancing. Learn to dance honeys. Now! Both also had vocal contingents supporting them, which also must be a confidence booster. And both took rehearsal seriously enough to avoid point deductions that shooed many of the 15 candidates. Congrats to all that participated. I had a great time as a judge. Merci a tous!

Model injury - rising injury toll hits models

2006-10-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

(AP)-The Surgeon GeneralRear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H made a rare a emergency epidemic warning yesterday against what's known as "the descending drawers" pose pictured here. If done improperly this modeling maneuver can permanently stretch or tear tendons in the arc between the thumb and forefinger. Models are strongly advised to go slow and relax the hand and distribute pressure as widely as possible.

The real tallest?

2006-10-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

After much chinwagging about the world's tallest model, I've recently discovered that the alleged tallest "runway and bikini model" is 6'5" tall Alexis Skye. I have to mention this because I kept imagining that those people who kept ringing my door and running away might be some hired goons that she paid in order to 'take me out.' And those people phoning her in the middle of the night and hanging up, well I automatically thought it might have something to do with her being overlooked. But how could you overlook a woman who blots the sun from the sky. Imagine when she comes home and sits on your lap all lovey dovey and you stroke her hair except you can't reach that high and her bony butt is crushing your thighs but you're too shy to tell her? Anyway a toast to Alexis Skye, my next girlfriend, if she's really lucky, that is.

Bulgarian fashion models

2006-10-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

I figure that fashion modelling will eventually be offshored where everything costs a buck. I mean, why not? You've got skinny women all over the planet, and where else to go but a poor country where people don't eat much? No bulimia debate over in Bulgaria where thinness is a naturally occuring phenemenon. The clothes are pretty awesome too and those models, va-va-va-voom!

Sophie Anderton swap: cocaine for babies....

2006-10-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

British superuber model Sophie Anderton is reportedly trying to bounce back from a failed relationship and cocaine addiction with a new plan, she wants to start a baby brood. |She told Closer magazine: "The next boyfriend I have will be the father of my children."

I hope he knows this.

The 28 or maybe 29 year old also said "I went to a fertility clinic and was told how smoking was killing off my eggs and chances of becoming a mum. I burst into tears as I really want a family and the thought of not having them scared me – more than getting lung cancer."

So she'd better kick the butts too.

More Steph Ly

2006-10-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

I just had to put a little extra Stephanie Ly here for youze. Why? Because you deserve it.

Canadian sizzling hot megamodel supermodel Stephanie Ly

2006-10-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Spent a few minutes last Friday morning with the breathtaking Canadian supermodel Stephanie Ly, who might get my vote as our country's hottest babe. Stephanie is a professional, experienced accountant as well as being an internationally-sought after model. Here she sports a T-shirt saluting Azerbaijan, an amazing country to visit if you ever get the chance.

Miss Exotika Mtl Nov 3. Be there!

2006-10-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

If you're in Montreal Friday November 3, come on by the Miss Exotika beauty pageant at 6566 Jarry East. If you're not, make a special trip. It's their 10 th anniversary and some of the city's most alluring brown-skinned, golden-skinned and light-skinned beauties will try their luck. I have been asked to serve as a judge this year. I sure didn't refuse. You think I'm crazy? Well..er... don't answer that. But yes, I will be there. Probably about 6 hours early. Not to say I'm anxious but... anyway best of luck to all contestants and please be among the 1,000 people who snap up tickets to the show before they get all gobbled up by the less-worthy. It's run by the excellent and most-able Justine Charlemagne, who has bagged a few beauty titles in her day and now runs the only Haitian newspaper here in Montreal Le Journal Positif. She's pictured in the black and white pic. Looking at her beats poking my eyes with a sharp stick. If you need more info about the shindig, call 514-223-9275 or write info@missexotika.com

Poor Lily Tran RIP

2006-10-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

Edmonton model Lily Tran was shot to death last month. She was riding in a car with a guy named Steve Pillon who was awaiting trial for murdering a guy at a house party. She was killed in the crossfire of an attempt to kill Pillon. This is a message to all of you aspiring young women, watch out who you date or your final pose could be for police cameras on an autopsy table.

World's tallest model

2006-10-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

These are the planet's tallest models. The one with the glasses is Aly, from Timmins Ontario, measuring in at 6'7" and still not hooked up with a boyfriend. The woman holding the doorframe during that famous earthquake is Caro who is 6'9" and from Germany. Meanwhile Angie, leaning periously on a bridge over a raging Canadian river is a mere 6'6" is also from Ontario and unfortunately seems to be under the impression that fashion photography is always done with a cell phone camera.

Asian Car models ...putt putt...

2006-10-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

As a kid I was always intimidated by the Asians. They were so good at school that they reminded my little racist mind of human computers. So while I'm glad to see that there are tons of Asian Americans having fun, why do the women all dream of becoming car show models? What do car models actually model anyway? They're not selling clothes. They just lean atop cars and make like they're the furry dice on the rear-view mirrors. They show off their headlines and tailpipes as if, yeah they're machines. At least one model has a way to reduce the embarassment. Japanese-Californiana Eri Moriyama has a shtick where she presents herself as a journalist for a Japanese TV station. Don't know if she actually is or not. So one minute Eri is straight-facedly reporting on US issues for Japan and the next she's spreadeagled over a vintage Corvette, hopefully not glueing her eyes shut with too much fake eyelash glue as she once confessed in an interview. Been there, done that sister! Anyway, take heed, chillren of the modelling world, announce that you're a serious professional, a brain surgeon, pediatrician, crossing guard. That way you look like you've got more important things to do and it the contracts dry up, you claim that you're too busy in your real work, that way you're truly covering y'wass. Eri can say that she's so hot that those snap happy photogs just won't leave her in peace to pursue her journalism. Clever people, those Asians.

That wacky Russian model who stabbed the stray dog to death

2006-10-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

A model named Yuliana Romanova was walking her pit-bull in Moscow in 2001. She sported black velvet hat, blue fur-trimmed coat, short skirt and tall boots. Her dog then got in a spontaneous melee with a stray dog, described as the size of a police dog. I assume the stray was an Alsatian although for all I know they use chihuauhuas in the Russian police. Romanova intervened with a knife and stabbed the stray dog six times with a kitchen knife, causing its premature death.

Tough call. I despise pit bulls but big, hungry stray dogs wandering the city aren't exactly useful urban fixtures either. Yet I'd have to side against Romanova. Wearing a short skirt with a fur trimmed coat is a fashion misdemeanour at least.

Romanova initially said she wasn't too concerned cuz she had a modeling contract in Spain to attend to. But Russian animal activisits got all KGB on her ass and got the police to haul her in. Rather than strolling alongside inspiring Gaudi in Barcelona, the dagger-wielding fashionista was soon sporting a fashionable strait jacket in a Moscow insane asylum. The where-are-they-now (WATN) file on this fashionable mongrel murdering miss is empty. A group of artists committed to having Moscow overrun with stray animals made it into a major cause and commemorated the killing of the stray dog with a bronze dog "picking nits" outside a Moscow railway station.

The wide-eyed lingerie model in the burgundy bustier above, is NOT the model in question. Alas I could find no photo of the cruel culprit. But she's a fashion model with a conveniently similar name, Boston's Julia Romanova. If you see her you while walking your dog, don't cross the street or nuthin.

Anita Pallenberg and the camel toe

2006-10-07T14:44:00.001-07:00

Here's a female-fashion-flesh-for-fantasy timeline starting from the early 70s.

1-Skintight denim hippie shorts
2-Solid disco cleavage
3-Flashdance sweatshirt shoulder
4-Telescope nipple outlines
5-Britney bared midriffs.

Hard to choose a favourite from amongst these, but one eye popping style never caught on and I'm predicting it will. The camel toe-pride movement is surely about to explode and when it does we'll have to credit the original Queen of the camel toe, Anita Pallenberg the swingin' sixties model-groupie who managed to sleep with three Rolling Stones and mother three children by Keith Richards, who thanks to genetics, are the planet's most likely people to survive alien radiation attack. Pallenberg pioneered the tight crotch look 40 years ago, and even if that little kid doesn't approve (the little spoilsport is about 50 years old now) , it's a slow-building fashion tsunami that's finally about to hit your part of America. So whatever you do, don't claim to have launched this style when you waddle into the office tomorrow morning skintight shorts hiked high and tight.

Negar Khan & interstellar laser beams

2006-10-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

Negar Khan is my kind of model. I'm not impressed by her Paris Hilton double-width jawline or cottage cheese thighs as evidenced in that infamously suspicious "wardrobe malfunction" in Oslo...no .... I like her sense of scandal. And as we have learned from Kate Moss, having a nose for scandal is a very good thing in modelling.

Khan is Iranian, although raised in Norway, so when she posed topless for a magazine. It. upset. the. orthodox.busybodies. She blamed photoshop. Yup. Sure thing hun.

She got work in Bollywood and started seeing a cop who had shot 80 people dead. Then she got married to the movie star in the photo above and then got deported from India for not having the proper working papers and the couple divorced.

All this naughty misconduct have been enough to pique my curiousity, but to top it off, she's been practicing an active habit of internet deadbeatery as proven by the embarassing note on her personal website. I guess she didn't give the Indian webnerds the nine rupees and jar of chutney she promised them. But she's still needs to go larger. She should soup up a satellite with a powerful laserbeam and threaten to zap the planet unless they put her on the cover of Vogue. If only I were her agent.

Skinny models

2006-10-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

You know why they call 'em models? Cuz you're supposed to model yourself on them!

Well are you doing it?

Nope, instead we're doing the opposite. We been lettin' 'em be skinny for us as we gorge our gullets with pizza.

The stats say that the average North American is carrying the equivalent of three unplucked turkeys in his small intestine. Obesity is so rampant that it's the rule. So don't blame the models, unlike most of us, they're not waddling around with reams of repulsive subcutaneous blubber, and bacon lining the walls of their cell structures. We should salute and admire and imitate them, but instead we try to find a way to blame them for our woes nonetheless.

They're an easy target, they're not exactly debating club champs. But take this photo of Iman shot by my old buddy Helmut Newton in 1983. Man, I could never afford a broad like that. She'd be like, "honey, more champagne please?" And I'd be like... "How's about a can of Bud, it's not that cold though, the fridge is on the whack."

Well, 78 percent of American black women are overweight or obese. They should all be forced to pin this Iman pic on the front of their salad drawer, so they'd see it whenever they access their secret unseen stash of Oreos.

I have been told by poorly-placed, outside sources that Iman has been sad lately because she waited too long and got too old to have a second baby with hubby David Bowie. God, imagine having him as a father. "Daddy tell me another bedtime story, but not another one about spiders and spaceships please."

How to model a sex face

2006-10-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have a problem.

Lots of them actually.

But here's a biggie.

I can't bear to look at a sex face.

The weird facial expression of a person having an orgasm so shocks and traumatizes me that I refuse to give my partners that pleasure anymore and I'm too cowardly to offer a paper bag at that magic moment.

So the true measure of a model is how well she can pull off a sex face. Above, right sporting Joni Mitchell headgear, Boy George lipstick and Peter Murphy death mask) is an example of what us avant garde fashionistas call a MSF, a modified sex face. Coca Rocha is telling you: "my parts are getting tingly and I'm feeling confused about it." She's good, but the best in the biz is from Brazil.

Her name is Ives Kolling and whoever gets around to giving her a page on wikipedia had better mention that she's the queen of the sex face. You'll note that she goes heavy on the "scrunch" which is what gives you those lovely lines between your eyebrows, and she goes light on the Jaggeresque turned-out-lips thing. I am giving you valuable advice for the next time you have sex, which knowing you won't be for a while. So your homework today is to print this page and run to the mirror and practice. Thank me for this later.

The Power of Christ compels Shannon Niquette Stewart, Jesus's chosen runway mama

2006-10-03T05:23:00.000-07:00

Wistfully, I recall sitting on the edge of my tattered wicker Sally Ann chair in my wifebeater cradling a Bud gazing while regretfully gazing at the empty pizza box... when suddenly I discovered Christ through fashion. I've since shifted my allegiances over to Ahura Mazda, because what is Christianity if not warmed over Judaism and what is Judaism except an imitation of Zoroastrianism?

Shannon, a nice smalltown Ohio Aryan, competed on America's Top Model. She'd already refused to pose in the buff and later stormed off the show cuz she objected to homos smooching around her. Poor girl, victim of such prejudice! It's not easy being a victim of peripheral gay antics. I'm with you sister, I can't bear watching those queers prance around so merrily! I share your pain. I was kicked off varsity basketball due to my white power tats and my inability to dribble. Life is so unfair.

Shannon Niquette Stewart then got married to Corey Haim, or a guy who looks just like him, but presumably of at least adequate width and girth. Hubby frequently sports a burgundy velvet blazer, while wifey sits typing the good word to anybody who can be bored by it on her Christian Blog, where recently she typed the word "Lord" 15 times in 1,500 words. As in, "I went to NY in December and to my surprise, the Lord led me to switch agencies."

Well the Lord leads me to suggest that if other fashion models found Jesus, they'd be saying grace before every line of toot that they ingested and give a little Praise Jesus card to the meth dealer when he comes to the door on Sunday mornings. Life is so much simpler in Azerbaijan.

Naomi Campbell lookalikes will beat your staff

2006-10-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

I never have the heart to beat my servants, err...I mean the assistants who make this blog the slick professional thing that it is, so I decided to hire Naomi Campbell to whip them into shape with some supermodel corporal punishment. Alas, I can't afford the real deal so thankfully there's a Naomi Campbell lookalike bank available for hire.

Lystra Adams, is one of those doppelgangers. She's the one pictured above surrendering her cell phone murder weapon to a lookalike police officer. You shall note that she sits regally in the back seat of a car, next to a Marilyn Monroe lookalike who I mercifully cropped out because she's more of an idiot-lookalike than anything else. Lystra is barely able to get her hands around her own bloated saline mounds, (wouldn't mind trying that, come to think of it) but she's still managing to do whatever shady hand transaction is requested by the strapping fruitey-cake homo buck to her right... God that boy is so FETCH! (Inner voice: "Stop trying to make FETCH happen! It's not going to happen!")

Also pictured is the queen of the three Naomi Campbell imitators on offer. She's the one and (thankfully) only Susan Sangster. Yup she sports a mean skintight leopardskin, but she'd better not just growl the growl, she needs to pounce the pounce. In order to achieve true Naomidom, she requires the ability to hammer subservient workers with a cell phone. Workers and underlings of the world unite in cell phone prostrate defensive posture because fake-Naomi's-a-comin'-and she's got-a-hankerin-for-punishment!

Susan Sangster has admittely, or deniably, whatever the case may be, earned a few cheques with legitimate yet terribly gaudy modelling - and is there any other kind? Her main distinkshun thus far in life is to have modelled the world's most expensive bikini, it was worth $194,000 in 2000 ( although personally I would have preferred her modelling fully spreadeagled in the world's cheapest bikini, the see-through kind made of oxygen, if you know what I mean.

Sadly for SS, a bikini worth $5 mill came out in 2004 with even more diamonds on it. How stupid is a diamond bikini anyway? Imagine how they'd dig into your ass when you sat down. Consider how many times you'd count to see whether a precious rock had fallen down on the ground? Imagine wearing this on Copacabana Beach with the little street kids trying to grab your shiny goodies. Your glistening genitilia don't like being overshadowed. Never have, never will. Just what you friggin' needed eh, a diamond studded bikini. This skews everything. It busts up that frame of reference for da beatches. They'll all look disdainfully at the roses you paid twelve bucks for and figure you're a deadbeat because you didn't buy her a bikini with diamonds sewn into it. I'm going to Azerbaijan!

Farewell to Iselin Steiro - supermodel puts education first

2006-09-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

Iselin Steiro... the lovely Norweigan supermodel who never gave me a chance and is considered among the top ten on the latest supermodel rankings, (only available to paying subscribers) has ditched the uberuber world to hit the books. She's departing her teeny apartment in the Big Apple for a big old home in the Little Blueberry, as , Norway has been known at least for the last 9 seconds. Worse yet, she's planning to take math and engineering and other yucky things.

She was discovered while shopping in London at age 14 and since then has been hounded by the flashbulb. She's always been thin as dental floss but some thought she was too muscular, perhaps a result of her habit of enlisting in beach volleyball games.

Her older brother Jan Egeland who looks awfully nerdy in a side-by-side comparison with this babe, is a bigwig in the UN in charge of Norway's donations to the poor.

So Norway beckons for Iselin and her child who she proposes to feed Norweigan cuisine, which tastes like other cuisines, except it's a bit colder when it arrives at the table.

Steiro has also denounced the shallow world of supermodelling and its inherant threats of having Naomi Campbell throw her cell phone at you. Mostly she denounces it in Norwegian which I failed to learn because I have been clinically diagnosed with umlaut-phobia.

So as you read this, there's an opening among the lofty heights of supermodeldom as one great star has been blacked out of the supermodel sky. I must stop typing now as the tears are starting to well up and the world becomes a blur once again.

Tuanne Froemming dumped me from a moving vehicle

2006-09-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

You're going to find this story unbelievable but I'll let it rip anyway. I was in Milan in 2003 driving a car my friend lent me. It was a Fiat and not a very reliable one at that. So I was enjoying a ride through one of the suburbs and the darn thing just stopped. He had instructed me on how to fix it if it were to stall so I was on the roadside with the hood open when a car pulls over and a very pretty woman offered to help me - in very broken Italian. I asked for a lift to the nearest gas station and off we went. It turned out that she was a fashion model and so we were shooting the breeze when I noticed she had a Yankees hat in the back seat, whereupon I started making fun of the Yankees, with the whole Derek-Jeter-is-gay thing. This didn't work too well. She pulls over and opens my door. And says, "get out." I guess that Derek Jeter thing hit a sore spot. So I got out and tripped. I don't think the car stopped moving at all. So the moral of the story is watch what you say about Derek Jeter to Tuanne Froemming.

Yasmeen Ghauri

2006-09-25T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yasmeen Ghauri is from Montreal, the South Shore in fact. I once picked up the phone and called her house. Her mom answered and wasn't exactly what you call friendly. I believe that one parent is German and the other parent, in this case her father, is Iranian. Some might contend that she's a supermodel. But by definition there can only be about 10 supermodels at any given time on the planet. I know this because I think Billy Joel's ex-wife said this on David Letterman once. So Yasmine, while being sorta exotic, doesn't really crack the top ten. I will try to post the definitive top ten later. But if you want to give it a try yourself, please do so in the comments section below.